Asymptotically I am fine

 Jonathan Mosheiff & Shaull Almagor, 2015.

Lyrics with links. 

Week one, proved the unique games conjecture.

It took a while, lack of sunlight is affecting my texture.      

Only two people came to the lecture.

for the food.

Week two, got the peer-review.

Weak-reject, they didn’t even read it through.

‘cause my induction base wasn’t true.           

when n equals 1.

I eat Ramen because I cannot cook.

I read only 3 random bits from a book,

I don’t get any of this gobbledygook,

so I cry.

My life is just like a matrix, just look

I need a bigger spectral gap.

Tryin’ to get myself some expansion,

while the undergrads are taking a nap.

Using error corrections, bounding VC dimensions,

just to learn some freakin’ line   

I have nightmares about grant applications,

but asymptotically I am fine.

Week three, math is starting to pesk,

my functions have trapdoors, but my office is still lacking  a desk,

my life has turned out quite picaresque

Look it up…

Week four, my proof is a mess,

It’s too hard, when you don’t have a witness to guess,

May as well go sing at ITCS.

Well, the simplices are quite complicated,

and my research isn’t well motivated,

My colleagues are all overrated.

It gets worse:

I got a call from Alice, she said,

she’s leaving me for some guy named Bob.

Turns out they’ve been talking in secret.

From what I hear he’s kind of a snob.

I guess I’m the man in the middle now,

I resort to drinking bottles of Klein.             

I goto places considered harmful

But asymptotically I am fine.

Week k, much to my dismay,

the colloquium was cancelled, so there is no free lunchtoday.

Only ham sandwich cut half-way,

with an n-dimensional knife.

Week ten, improved the bound on f(n),

from log log n over log of log of log of n square,

to log log log log lo...oh they don’t care,

over 3.

I do Fourier analysis of a cone,

I haven’t finished paying my student loan,

and no, I can’t fix your cellular phone,

let me explain:

I do computer science, so no:

Can't tell you which iphone to buy.

I can’t hack the pentagon mainframe,

and cryptographers can tell you why.

Can't set up your computer network.

I don’t know why your code won’t compile.

Can't get you a cool job at google.

I don’t know how to open that file.

I also think that voice recognition is magic,

and I also hate autocomplete.

I also forget most of my email passwords,

And I accidently press "shift delete”

But if you want a circuit lower bound,

then come and get a job like mine.

Well, right now I don’t have the solution,

but asymptotically I am fine!